something positive

Since the day I was told I was going to have brain surgery I have been thinking about my own mortality. I even tried to convince my boyfriend to leave me, so that he wont have to go thru this. Of course he told me I was crazy and he loved me thru it all. As I noticed some impairments that the brain surgery has left me with, I grew increasingly worried about how I will be in a few months-years. I was convinced that Karl was batter off without me, without someone who was damaged goods. Yet thru it he has been by my side as my biggest supporter and motivator. Out of character for myself I decided to celebrate my birthday this year. Although 27 is just a number, to me this year, it was an accomplishment. I continually told everyone that I did not want any presents just to be with the people I love. Karl bought me a present that I expected, a jewelry box since he has been complaining how all my necklaces are knotted. When I opened the third drawer in the jewelry I saw a large plastic diamond ring and a scroll of paper that said "Will you marry me?" I was in shock. I havent really thought much about this moment as we have been dating for so long that I expected that we would wake up one morning and just go to city hall. I was surprised how nervous I became. I, obviously, said yes once the shock wore off. As we started calling people to tell them the news, I feared that his family and friends would think he was making a mistake by marrying a girl who has a terminal illness. I feared that I was a disappointment. Luckily everyone seemed ecstatic and I felt like a normal healthy gal for a few minutes. My brain tumor is always in my thoughts, not an hour goes by that I do not think about it. But now I can focus on something positive. These past two months I went from planning my own funeral to planning a wedding. What a difference. Dark thoughts still fill my head (what if I am too sick by our wedding, what if I have no hair due ti chemo, ect), but overall I continue to remain positive.