MRI follow up

I spent most of the day at mskcc between having an MRI and an appointment with my NO. I got the news I expected- there is a little tumor left. She told me the news as I pried it out of her. She continued to discuss my seizures and MRI schedule. As she talked about how slow growing the tumor type is I wondered why just a few months ago she talked about a possible cure. I never held much stock the chances of a cure as I read the articles on DNETs. It is really too rare to make any conclusions about the nature of this tumor. I left disappointed that I didnt hear NED (no evidence of disease), but not shocked. I thought by preparing myself for bad news that it would help to hear it. At first I guess it did, but now it is all sinking in. I forced myself to go to yoga even though I was tired because I knew it would help me feel better emotionally. As I meditated at the end of my practice I came to a realization that had a surprisingly large impact on me- "I HAVE CANCER." I get treatment from a cancer hospital, I have gone on cancer retreats, and I have found solace in the cancer community, yet I guess I did not consider myself to really have cancer. I think because I was told that there was such a low rate of reoccurrence that I was confident that I would be stable and done with this brain tumor. Once I thought of the NO's words "SLOW GROWING" I realized this is no different I have cancer. I was almost moved to tears as I thought about this. I use the word, but it was always disconnected to my self image. I feel the same before my MRI as I do now- like I am in limbo. I have come to realize that I will always be in limbo since there is no way of knowing if or when this tumor will start to grow. I want this thing out of my head- physically and mentally. I fear needing another surgery or even worse not having any options left. I also started to doubt why I went for the second surgery if I still only have a partial resection. I do not see how my quality of life has changed for the better after that second surgery. If anything I have lost more. I have lost my short term memory and some of my ability to make new memories. I do not want regrets as there is no way of knowing if I did the right thing. But I cannot get these thoughts out.