Upcoming MRI

Tomorrow I have my real first post-op MRI. I had one right after surgery, but it was not conclusive because it was so close to my surgery. The nerves just started kicking in. I was handling it all great up until today. I convinced myself that I probably have residual tumor and it is okay. I felt pretty comfortable with those thoughts because I have not received any news better then "stable." But tonight I started to really worry. I pushed my MRI a month further away because I didnt want it to ruin our wedding. I have no regrets with this. I do worry that it has been 4 months with no news on Timmy. I worry mostly because I may still be having seizures and I am starting to get headaches again. I hate the fact that even if this tumor is gone it will always be in my thoughts. I had two brain surgeries within 7 months, I cannot go thru this again. At this point I would even be okay with chemo, but I know it would not work for my tumor type. I know I am worrying myself with details that I might never need, but these are the thoughts always going thru my head. I want to be carefree. I want to not worry about meds, cognitive issues, and seizures. I want a healthy body. I want to feel like I am 27 not 97. I hate feeling so helpless and alone. I know I have plenty of people to talk to this about, but they are not in my situation so it is not the same. I know other people are worried about me too, but they dont live with this everyday. I am sick of this black cloud lingering over me. I know these negative feelings will pass as they always do. But as of now I will let myself worry until tomorrow, when I will put on my bravest face.