"Of all the things I lost, I miss my mind the most"

I had a great weekend with friends.  I went to my old roommate's bridal shower, hung out with my cousin and her adorable daughter and went to the Renaissance Fair.  Yet I am in a horrible funk right now.  The more I hang out with people and do great things the more I realize how different I am.  I try to not compare myself now to the person I was pre-diagnosis, but the differences are so apparent.  Everything about my body, brain, and emotions are so different.  I cannot help being reminded of how I will never be the same.  I can barely retain any new information.  I have such a hard time remembering anything.  I know I enjoyed myself this weekend, but I doubt I will remember it a week from now.  I realize now how much of the present is reliving past events.  I have gotten pretty good at faking it, but I am only hurting myself in the process.  If I am tired, had even 1 drink or stressed out my memory is far worse.  I am at a loss what to do, especially since stress and fatigue pretty much sums up my entire life.  K being away for almost 4 months now also plays a part in my funk.  I miss him beyond words.  He is really the only outlet I have to discuss my feelings and fearing.  I hate to put it all on him, but I feel he is the only one that can understand.  There is the exception of other BT survivors, which has been instrumental.  I have so much fear of not remembering important aspects of my life.  I feel like I am a walking zombie.  I want my mind back, I want to remember.  Even this blog entry is all over the place.  It is past my bedtime, which makes my brain extra wacky, but I needed to get this out before it further eats away at me.